Lake Stevens School District Confirms Students Free to Protest as Long as It’s Not Here, Not Now, and Not During School

Lake Stevens, WA

Lake Stevens High School students received a triumphant announcement this week: the district fully supports their right to stage a walkout—as long as they do so 2.5 miles away, in the pre-dawn hours, and preferably where nobody can actually see them.

“Student voices are extremely important to us,” declared District Superintendent Dr. Mary Templeton in a press release. “We recognize that creating a sense of belonging for each student requires ongoing effort, collaboration, and a commitment to understanding and addressing disparities within our community; that said, please collaborate and belong somewhere else.”

The official policy encourages students to exercise their First Amendment rights between 3:47 a.m. and 5:12 a.m. on alternating Tuesdays. Any student seen walking out during actual school hours will be gently reminded that democracy is best practiced in total darkness.

Principal Ivelia praised the district’s compromise. “We absolutely support civic engagement, so long as it doesn’t interrupt algebra,” she said. “After all, what is freedom of speech compared to the upcoming quadratic equations quiz?”

Some students expressed confusion about the logistics. “So… if I can’t walk out during school, after school, or on weekends… when exactly can I protest?” asked one eleventh grader. In response, the district handed her a glossy pamphlet titled ‘The Power of Silent Disagreement at Home.’

Meanwhile, the district’s Equity and Belonging statement remains proudly displayed on the District’s website, a shining reminder of their commitment to listening, so long as no one actually says anything too loudly. As one student noted, “It’s nice they recognize belonging takes ongoing effort. I just wish the effort didn’t involve hiding in the woods before sunrise.”

The district also encourages students to submit walkout proposals in triplicate to the “Imaginary Student Council on Civic Expression,” which convenes once a year in a locked supply closet. Approved protests will appear on the district’s Official Calendar of Hypothetical Events.

The press release concluded with a cheer for student empowerment: “We hear you, we see you, and we respectfully ask that you keep it down. Go Vikings!”