ASB Congress Less Effective than an Absolute Kakistocratic Monarchy, Whistleblower States

In a shocking exposé, an anonymous whistleblower has declared that the Associated Student Body (ASB) Congress is “less effective than an absolute kakistocratic monarchy.” The whistleblower’s report, leaked during lunch period via an Instagram story with the caption “#WakeUpLSHS,” has left students simultaneously amused, confused, and mildly concerned about the meaning of “kakistocracy.”

According to the report, the ASB Congress—tasked with approving dance themes, club funding, and spirit week activities—has devolved into what the whistleblower describes as “a ceremonial cosplay of democracy.” Citing a recent 40-minute debate over whether a member can change their vote under Robert’s Rules—the parliamentary system that the Senate and Congress utilize—the report claims that “a literal monarchy led by the least qualified and laziest student imaginable would produce faster and arguably more coherent results.”

The ASB advisors disputed these allegations, insisting that the Congress fulfills a vital role in “student governance and leadership skills.” However, recordings from September’s meeting—featuring a 10-minute tangent about learning a dance for a September football game’s halftime—appear to undercut their defense.

Student reactions have been mixed. An anonymous sophomore, who ran for Treasurer on a platform of “more vending machines, less math,” said, “Honestly, if we had a king who just declared extra spirit days, I’d be fine with that.” Meanwhile, a senior and self-described ASB loyalist argued, “This monarchy idea is dangerous. Plus, we already spent $500 on Congress nameplates, and the king probably wouldn’t need one.”

The administration has yet to issue an official statement, but Principal Ivelia reportedly sighed heavily when asked about the controversy. “At this point,” she said, “I’d take results from a magic eight ball.”

Rumors of a student-led coup to establish the “Kingdom of the Snack Bar” remain unconfirmed, though several students have been seen crafting cardboard crowns in the Leadership room.